[This is a repost of an article that I originally put together for Torontoist in 2008. Torontoist’s recent redesign seems to have eaten all of the photo galleries in older posts, so I’m adding this one here because it was way too much fun (and work!) to allow it to disappear into the ether.]
Mr. Stickman has the toughest job in Toronto: keeping you safe. In a day’s work, he gets smushed, crushed, beheaded, befingered, mangled, strangled, thrown, blown, ground, and crowned. And unlike the relatively delicate spokesmodels who calmly remind you to mind the gap or use proper escalator technique, Mr. Stickman is willing to give the extra effort and actually demonstrate the consequences of not following the rules. Wherever danger lurks, Mr. Stickman plies his educational trade. He endures every manner of indignity, accident, and disfigurement that you can imagine, all in the hope that you will learn from his painful and sometimes deadly misadventures. What follows is a small sampling of his daily work around Toronto.
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- Trucks are just one of Mr. Stickman's many nemeses.
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- Getting eaten by a gate that "may move at any time without prior warning" sounds (and looks) like a horror movie.
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- Attacking refrigerators are among the most underreported causes of all work-related injuries.
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- Diving into the Don River as it slices through Riverdale Park is never a good idea. As Mr. Stickman demonstrates, the river bottom will cause your head to pop off long before you die from the toxins.
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- Caution: cows may scare the shit out of your children
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- The garbage is taking out Mr. Stickman.
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- Here we have a promotional still from Mr. Stickman's star turn in the truck fight scene of the next Indiana Jones movie.
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- Do not attempt to run while balancing boxes on your head.
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- Ether? Seriously?
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- Dance, mofo, or I'll crush you between these hydraulic rams!
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- Sometimes, it's not entirely clear what Mr. Stickman is trying to warn us about. Battering rams? Dancing? Washrooms? You Be The Judge.
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- Mr. Stickman does a mean imitation of a Grade 9 shop teacher.
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- If you're going to lie down on the job, lie down in the dump truck, not under it.
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- Amid a forest of warnings on this portable crane, Mr. Stickman gets crushed under both a swinging load and a stabilizer arm. Presumably, the "property damage" he causes by getting caught under the stabilizer arm refers to the Stickman-sized hole he leaves in the ground below.
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- Mr. Stickman (top) is sometimes careless enough to endanger his colleagues as well, such as Mr. Stickman (bottom, no relation).
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- Mr. Stickman endures the twin perils of this vacuum truck: getting all twisted up and being buried alive under raw sewage.
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- Mr. Stickman has been hit by this parking lot barrier often enough that they've strapped some foam to the arm to cushion the repeated blows.
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- Spinning saw blades cut through fingers even more easily than through wood.
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- Mr. Stickman should remember not to break his fall with his hands; in addition to being crushed, he could break his wrists too.
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- One of Mr. Stickman's many electrical misadventures.
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- Front-end loaders and forklifts make Mr. Stickman break out in dance. A dangerous, hazardous, forbidden dance.
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- The label is, of course, only visible when you stand in the swing area of this excavator.
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- As with many of Mr. Stickman's adventures, you must stand in the danger zone behind this front-end loader in order to read the warning.
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- Just how does Mr. Stickman endure all of this punishment every day? Judging from this pose, he just may be the Karate Kid.
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- The right side of the label looks like a warning, but the left side looks more like a how-to manual.
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