Category: wonderings

Never be the guy who’s so drunk that his friends can convince him to get up in front of a bar full of people and sing “My Ding-a-Ling.” I’m just saying.

Chuck Berry may have been able to pull it off for his only #1 hit, but you, sir, are no Chuck Berry.

(No, it wasn’t me. I know my limit.)

I caught separate interviews with Derek Foster, Canada’s self-proclaimed “youngest retiree,” on both Breakfast Television and CityNews today. Both interviewers (Dina Pugliese and Jee-Yun Lee) repeated the “retiree” line, with Lee’s teaser going so far as to proclaim Foster as “the youngest person to retire in Canadian history.” I’m certain that the crack fact checkers at Citytv verified this ludicrous statement with the federal Department of Dubious Data before going to air with it. Foster’s story has also recently appeared in the Star and the Sun.

But wait a second, why all sudden attention on Foster, who retired three years ago? It turns out that he’s flogging copies of his new book, The Lazy Investor. Both Lazy and his first post-retirement book, Stop Working, purport to share his investing secrets so that you, too, can retire in your thirties. You can buy both books directly from the author’s book-selling web site.

Now I don’t know what Foster does all day long, but my guess is that he writes his books, contributes articles to Canadian Money Saver (and possibly other publications), and has occasional speaking engagements. Oh, and he probably spends more time at home than when he was employed in traditional workplaces.

Dude, I’ve got news for you: you’re not retired, you’re self-employed. And by that measure, I retired when I was 25, handily beating you for the title of “Canada’s youngest retiree” by 9 years. But neither one of us is really retired, are we?

The only thing more pathetic than a cat dressed up as Batman for Halloween is a cat owner who dresses his cat up as Batman for Halloween. I really should be ashamed, but the Dark Knight will be greeting neighbourhood kids with me for the fourth year running.

For those who are wondering, his utility belt holds his most important and versatile tools: a crinkle ball, a piece of string, and a little pouch of food.

I noticed a little man in my tea mug on Friday afternoon. He was flat up against the side, doing a little jig, two big sad eyes staring back at me as he raised his arms in greeting. Hmm, tea can do interesting things to mugs, I thought to myself. I was quite surprised to see him still clinging to the side this morning, even after I’d scrubbed my mug in preparation for a new day of caffeine. Maybe there’s more to my new friend than just a bit of tea stain.

Risa says that he looks like a cave painting. I say that he looks like a visitor from a distant land. Other people may have different ideas about what a random stain represents.

Well, I’ve dissed the Family Coalition Party, the NDP, the Tories, and the Liberals. Other choices in Toronto-Danforth include the Communists, the Greens, and Polkaroo. And then there’s the mysterious Fun Party of Canada’s candidate Dora Keogh.

These signs come out for every federal, provincial, and municipal election since I’ve lived in the riding, yet I can never find her name on the ballot. Having her in the race would certainly raise the bar for the other candidates. Maybe it’s time for a draft movement.